Basically Made In Chelsea Is Really Bad

Hmm......these blogs are getting harder... I need ideas.... Just a quick word on programmes like The Only Way Is Essex and Hollyoaks....they're really bad, who in their right mind would specifically turn on the television to watch a bunch of young people with brooding faces shout at each other and tangle with their 2nd best friends relationships? Basically every plotline is that Chantelles boyfriend Cory loves Chardonnay whilst Lee is in prison because of a drunken night out with Abi and Wayne but since Wayne loves Abi, Lee got angry and started shouting and swearing at Wayne " 'Ow cood ya doo dis too me, i fort we was bruvvers, yah?" All the while Abi is crying "Dont 'urt 'im Lee, Wayne 'ees not wurf it" but Abi secretly loves Cory who loves...you get the picture.....kind of. The mind-boggling thing about these "programmes" is that these people are so akin too their characters, its more of a documentry than anything. I usually wouldnt go near these programmes with a bargepole, yet, since they are always before my beloved programme Scrubs, I have to endure 3 minutes of Essex accented audio torment. To sum up The Only Way Is Essex and Made In Chelsea I will finish on a quote from Keira- Leigh

"Is Africa a country or a state?"

The countrys going to the dogs....

Sorry about that...

Hello again, last blog I did, I mentioned how I was going to list the coolest people and the naffest, I forgot to list the naffest so here they are....I'm very forgetful. Keep Clicking!.....

6-  Justin Beiber (come on youve gotta give me that one...)
5-  Preston (you know Preston, from Never Mind The Buzzcocks? That episode...
4-  Chris Moyles...he's just frankly annoying....
3-  Dappy (What can I say, He insulted Noel Feilding and looks like an idiot...well...is)
2-  Brendan Coyle (Strictly Come Dancing... Really Naff...)
1-  Any wrestler from WWE......makes me wanna sob....

There you have it...

Heroes and Zeroes

In this blog I'll list the 5 people I think are the coolest of all time and the most naff, rubbishy people of all time, not quite FHM's 100 sexiest girls but I can work with it.

Cool

6- Moby (Incredible music maker with fantastic song meanings, wants to change animal and human rights but does not force his views on anybody )
5- Tim Booth (Lead singer of James, doesnt take crap from anybody, coolest dance moves in the world)
4- Miles Davis (What more can I say, he plays trumpet and defined the genre of Jazz, full stop)
3- Tre Cool (Interviewer: So, Tre, if you werent a drummer, what would you be?
                    Tre Cool: Oh I'd be a burglar...I'd burgle people...)
2- Joe Strummer (Member of The Clash, just an all-round cool musician)
1- Noel Fielding (He has the best fashion sense I have ever seen, he is a captain on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and to sum up his attitude to everything he explains how the recession has hit him...)

Interview: Noel, how has the recession affected you?
Noel: It hasn't really, I mean, all I need is money to buy green bow ties and sweets...

Sour Thoughts And Music Noughts

Hello again, if on the off chance you like this cynical blog of sour thoughts and music noughts then please recommend it to either friends or aquaintances etc. I was just thinking today about the X-Factor...
Now, this isnt a gripe or a whine, but I wanted to say something about it. My view on it is that people do not watch it because they actually enjoy the crap singing on it it is because it provides them with entertainment, now I do in fact watch it, judging by my previous blogs you are probably thinking "Why does someone so sour and cynical watch something so mainstream as the X-Factor?" Well, its probably more of a dull bemusement. However I watch it to make callous remarks on Tulisas accent and musical musings. "Cos' I is a musical genius yah?" Also because I have nothing better to do on a saturday night... But I hate the way Dermot brainw- a wonderful presenter with incredible stage presence... The main reason is because it provides me with ammunition when I send my long-winded slightly offensive e-mails to Radio 1.

One last thing, you would think that since the X-Factor corporate machine is rolling in so much dough, they could afford some fake microphones for when the "acts" are performing, I have seen everything, water bottles, deodrant cans, hair curlers, I once saw one of those pointless massive pencils you can get from the duty-free at Dublin Airport......

Lovin', Touchin', Stealin'...

Just a little, well, big whine, I was radio-hopping when I heard a snippet of a Mumford And Sons song on the station, to my surprise, it was my nemesis, Radio 1. I had heard of Mumford And Sons when their debut album, Sigh No More, came out in 2009, yet the philistines on Radio 1 had pretended as though all of them at that radio station had their ear to the ground for ages and had known this band for a while, becuase of the "up and coming West London Folk Scene." I appreciate that Radio 1 are trying to expand their taste of music and play some good stuff, but I really hate it when everybody starts raving about a band that have been making music for a while but yet they pretend it is a new song. Even worse is when a big artist covers a great song and then everybody starts bloviating about the original and the cover. An example is that of Journey's Dont Stop Believin'. Now many say it is a naff, boring song but I beg to differ. I sense a possible digression here so I shall, to use that naff phrase coined by Hal Roach, cut to the chase. Glee covered this an now everyone loves the song, I'm not being a poncy idiot but I wish people listened to originals rather than covers because the Glee version is awful. Another thing, these days people associate Journey with Dont Stop Belivin' yet if they listened to some albums of theirs, they woudl appreciate how brilliant a band they are, Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' and Any Way You Want It are anthemic belters which deserve to be recognised.

Coldplay- Working Well But Needs To Branch Out

If A Rush of Blood to the Head was a school report it would say- Working well but needs to branch out and experiment more. Martin and Co. have produced a vintage album with instant classics such as Clocks and The Scientist on it. This album is brilliant proof that you do not need to care whether people think your cool or not to produce a galumphing leviathan of an album. Every song on this album could be listened to at least ten times and you would not get bored. It has commercialised and made popular the genre of soft rock. This London band somehow makes ordinary songs extra-ordinary and you want to listen to them over and over again.

The first song on the album is Politik. A psychedelic, sad mix of soft rock and a ballad. This song is what Coldplay are about in a bittersweet kind of way, after a while it slightly boring but picks up towards the end with a  thumping, anthemic chorus. Many of Coldplay’s haters say they are samey, this is not true, some songs are boring in parts but Coldplay’s songs are never akin to each other. Next on the track is In My Place, Martin’s eerie vocals above soft, sad piano chords, however, like most Coldplay hits it has a minor, heart-rending verse and a soaring, major chorus.

The next track is God Put A Smile Upon Your Face, an ironic song, “Now when you work it out I'm worse than you/ Yeah when you work it out, I want it too” with thumping bass lines and pounding drums. Coldplay have rigor-mortis genre-wise, this song proves that, they need to branch out on their next album. However whether you love them or hate them (there is no sitting on the fence with this band) there is no doubt they can write a brilliant song as The Scientist proves. This is the best song on the track, classic Martin vocals, beautiful repeating guitar parts and harmonies. This quartet manage to make piano, strings, bass, guitar and drums sound different on every track which never ceases to amaze. Nonetheless this is un-deniably a comfort zone album.

Clocks is next, it follows the same groove The Scientist has. Clocks again is vintage Coldplay, a sad yet happy, angry yet placid mix all blended together with some dubbed strings which makes a tasty milkshake of musical fusion…

The thing I like about this album is that there are no filler tracks,  which clog up the album space, it is a tight compact album. The next track is Daylight, this track reminds me greatly of ASDA’s 40p Swiss Roll, absolutely fantastic but not sure why… Green Eyes is next on the album, a mysterious, Dylan-esque, understated corker of a Coldplay song. The eighth song on the album is Warning Sign. Not as renowned as songs such as Clocks or The Scientist, this track deserves to be, its Oasis-esque melodies and harmonies made me want to listen to it more than once.

The Whisper surprised me. It broke the mould and genre-busted Coldplay’s other songs with a The Jam like intro and verse but like all Martin and Co. songs it picked up to finish with great choruses. The title song A Rush Of Blood To The Head was a very average song on the outset compared with the rest of the others, but like a TV in a bin it had an under-stated dignity and quality to it if you listened hard enough. The London quartet seem to need any effects or digital sounds, it makes their album raw, and have timeless quality which is proven with the next song, Amsterdam. This song is Beatles like with Jeff Buckley-esque lyrics, “Stuck on the end of this ball and chain/ And I’m on my way back down again.”

Overall this album is great but Coldplay need to branch out more, however Coldplay are like the X-Factor, you know its average but you keep coming back to them. A 5 star album which is a statement to all their haters. Coldplay will protect the world against the tide of auto-tuned rubbish that classes as music these days and you need to allow yourself to have a Rush Of Blood To The Head.

Added Chili Preservatives...

Like a 60 year old grandmother or Angus Young, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have a timeless quality to them and their music, ever since the 80’s when they formed they have been churning out fantastic albums even with the amount of incident related to the band, the newest member of the band, Josh Klinghoffer, who is replacing the Chili’s Jesus-like guitarist John Fruciante, has brought a psychedelic feel to this album with his guitar playing. As with most albums the Peppers have made its an eclectic mix of genres with an underlying Funk feel to it. The title track The Adventures Of Raindance Maggie is another funk-like song with quite a mainstream feel that grows on you the more you listen to it. The other signature track, Brendans Deathsong has a folk-esque feel to it but towards the chorus it begins to sound like classic Red Hot Chili Peppers, however as far as RHCP songs go this song is much sadder than most of their other songs.

Keidis and co. have definitely spanned out on this album genre-wise, Police Station has a Dylan feel to it with a melodic, swaying groove to it. Even You Brutus is a catchy, up-tempo song which has been stuck in my head ever since I have listened to. The problem with this song is that some songs are akin to elevator music, easy listening, boring samey songs, very separate to usual Peppers groove

Josh Klinghoffer is the youngest member of this band and brings a very different feel to the album which many die-hard Peppers fans will not like, but Kinghoffer has made a great effort at pushing the band forward and not trying to emulate Fruciante. John Fruciante was like a 2^nd frontman, he played solos, sang and his guitar was always audible, however Klinghoffer stays round the edges of the songs and adds texture to them rather than what Fruciante did.

The only songs that stick to the Pepper’s mould is Dance Dance Dance and Ethiopia, both have Flea’s prominent slap bass lines and funk guitar licks, as well as Chad Smith’s trademark drum intros and sounds.

Overall, The Red Hot Chili Peppers have made a vintage album but it will take people time to get the feel of it, in time, however, it could be as widely regarded as Stadium Arcadium or By The Way. I’m With You is a big step forward for the Californian quartet and it is obvious that they are not letting the past catch them up.

Rock Monkeys

The Arctic Monkeys widely anticipated fourth album is a widely ranged mix of rock related genres, Grunge, Indie and Punk. The title song, Suck It And See is ultimately an Indie song but with some Dylan-esque parts and lyrics. This time around the Sheffield band has chosen to make more mainstream music whilst keeping their feel of an Indie band. They have also moved away from the heavier sounds of Humbug with a lighter feel to this record, apart from the post-punk revival Brick By Brick and the grunge inspired Library Pictures, both good songs. Overall, this album is good with music for all tastes but it keeps the English guitar band feel to it.

Cobain Is Turning In His Grave

Everyday, clueless presenters like Chris Moyles and Fearne Cotton, rave about "new, happening, artists that will blow your mind" and then 2 weeks later they are has-beens, flash in the panners, but when those "happening" "artists" are holed up in a London cafe, pondering what might have been, those imbeciles on Radio 1 will be talking about another "brilliant, to be" artist. And so the cycle begins again. When the strains of "Talk The Talk" and "Teardrops" permeate the world music scene, Cobain will be crying, Strummer will be sobbing and Miles Davis will be as grumpy as ever. The Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Foo Fighters can't last forever, even possible legends one day like the Arctic Monkeys cannot carry on churning out classics. There can be no better example of how modern music has badly revolutionised music today than that of My Chemical Romance. Their album "The Black Parade" I can honestly say was one of the best albums I have ever heard. Yet when I describe at great length the brilliance of Gerard Way's vocals and the supremeley talented guitarist that is Frank Iero I am met with un-founded callous remarks such as "...oh, those emo crap-mongers" or "ahh, I hate that band, you want to listen to some Wretch 32 mate..." Need I say more my esteemed readers, if you hate the crap that comes out of the charts these days, are repulsed by the presenters on Radio 1 and find N-Dubz, Wretch 32, Rihanna and the like utterly talentless then read this blog, I will try to make it tasteful, subtle and refined but sometimes my sheer musical rage will overcome me and I will resort to that trusty stand-by, slagging off...